Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
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I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
Des Moines Police having a normal one
I love it when people throw out those inspirational tweets like ‘live life to the fullest’ after they’ve spent the entire day on Twitter.
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials