Shawty has them Apple Bottom jeans, boots with the fur, gloves with the skin, shirt with the scales, hat with the shell, belt with th
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Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
I just tested negative for patience.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.