Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
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Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.