@tehaveragejoel

*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth

@tehaveragejoel

make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.

@tehaveragejoel

“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*

@tehaveragejoel

“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.

@tehaveragejoel

Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.

The perfect murder.

@tehaveragejoel

things I’m passionate about: The Rule of Threes, self referential humor, and the Oxford comma.