You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
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me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
[hiding my girlfriends Christmas present behind my back] remember how you said we were out of milk
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
I reached for my best friend and she wasn’t there. But then I realized I set my coffee down on my right side, not my left, so I’m OK now.
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
there are these baby robins in a nest outside my window and all they do is chirp for attention and food all day so it seems nature is just like twitter
Me: Who called it a religious pilgrimage instead of a roamin’ Catholic?
Salesman: So, I’ll just assume you want the extended warranty.
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
Re: recent conversation about which of your cats is the convicted felon
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
*wife wonders where I am*
*hears every musical snowman in the store start singing*
*knows where I am*