Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
things I’m passionate about: The Rule of Threes, self referential humor, and the Oxford comma.
I want a Times New Roman on the streets and a Wingdings in the sheets.