I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
You Might Also Like
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
[Headless Horseman birthday party]
HEADLESS HORSEMAN: [opens present] Another hat? Haha guys okay I get it you can cut it out now.
“They tell me you’re the greatest sniper in the world,” says the stranger.
“Maybe,” I say, tossing a can at the bin, missing it by miles.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
Autocorrect completely socks
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
My kid came home from his field trip covered in paint, missing one sock, and carrying two pumpkins and had the nerve to say his field trip was “fine”.
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.