Of course he’s into you. He’s just super-duper busy, messaging other chicks.
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.
Me: *picks up crock pot
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
Them: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Yes.
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”