*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.