Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
“You busy tonight?”
Me: That 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.