If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
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I hate when someone throws shade at me, and then I have to drag out my axe and chop down the whole tree and let it fall on them.
Timber, dipshit.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
Caesar [dying]: remember me
Soldier: we will name a salad after you
Caesar: ok
Soldier: with stale chunks of bread
Caesar: actually nev-
Soldier: and tiny pieces of fish and cheese
Caesar: wow ok so no one liked me
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”
I’ve never met a libra
*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance