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@thatUPSdude : Jim was never known for sharing
@thatUPSdude: Steve: Some people call me the space cowboy.
Steve's friends: We apologize for our friend, we actually just call him Steve.
@thatUPSdude: Oh shit I thought the sliding glass door was closed! Help help!!
@thatUPSdude: When I said I was going to start eating better after the holidays, I was thinking more like after Easter.
A time gather around with your family, and realize why you only allow them in your house once a year.
@thatUPSdude: Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy alcohol. And I’m a happy drunk.
@thatUPSdude: Me: So which one do you like? I like this one with the ocean in the background
DMV: For the last time sir, you can't submit your own photo
@thatUPSdude: *at a casino*
Me: How much are these chips worth?
Dealer: Sir those are Pringles
@thatUPSdude: Me: What are these red chips worth?
Dealer: 5 bucks.
Me: What about this orange one?
Dealer: Sir, that's a Dorito.
@thatUPSdude: Me: I need to go
Tequila: No stay, have a couple more
Me: I need to go to bed
Tequila: Shhhh just sleep on the floor, I got you