Steve: Some people call me the space cowboy.

Steve’s friends: We apologize for our friend, we actually just call him Steve.


When I said I was going to start eating better after the holidays, I was thinking more like after Easter.



A time gather around with your family, and realize why you only allow them in your house once a year.


Me: So which one do you like? I like this one with the ocean in the background

DMV: For the last time sir, you can’t submit your own photo


*at a casino*

Me: How much are these chips worth?

Dealer: Sir those are Pringles


Me: What are these red chips worth?

Dealer: 5 bucks.

Me: What about this orange one?

Dealer: Sir, that’s a Dorito.


Me: I need to go

Tequila: No stay, have a couple more

Me: I need to go to bed

Tequila: Shhhh just sleep on the floor, I got you


If people knew just how many fake arguments I win when I’m in the car by myself, they would think twice before ever picking a fight with me.