Jim was never known for sharing
Steve: Some people call me the space cowboy.
Steve’s friends: We apologize for our friend, we actually just call him Steve.
Oh shit I thought the sliding glass door was closed! Help help!!
When I said I was going to start eating better after the holidays, I was thinking more like after Easter.
A time gather around with your family, and realize why you only allow them in your house once a year.
Me: So which one do you like? I like this one with the ocean in the background
DMV: For the last time sir, you can’t submit your own photo
*at a casino*
Me: How much are these chips worth?
Dealer: Sir those are Pringles
Me: What are these red chips worth?
Dealer: 5 bucks.
Me: What about this orange one?
Dealer: Sir, that’s a Dorito.
Me: I need to go
Tequila: No stay, have a couple more
Me: I need to go to bed
Tequila: Shhhh just sleep on the floor, I got you
If people knew just how many fake arguments I win when I’m in the car by myself, they would think twice before ever picking a fight with me.