I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
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Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
The pasta is now
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
Family gonna ask what i brought to thanksgiving this year.. Ima say beef & swing on my cousin
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
Toddler: we watch peed her pants
Me: you peed your pants?
Toddler: no PEED HER PANTS
Me: who peed her pants!?
Toddler: we watch PEED HER PANTS!!!
Me: Peter Pan?
Toddler: ya peed her pants
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
my dad deserves an award for the amount of times I’ve had to call him this year and say “im fine but my car isn’t”