I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
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5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
You know what they say about poison ivy – leaves of three, run screaming away and spend the rest of summer inside binge watching Netflix because Netflix never gives you rashes.