“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog