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Page of thatcarlygirl's best tweets

@thatcarlygirl : Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories

@thatcarlygirl: Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”

@thatcarlygirl: Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.

@thatcarlygirl: Them: "How's your diet going?"
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*

@thatcarlygirl: "A car I've never seen before just parked outside. We're gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you're not listening to me I said..."
- Dogs

@thatcarlygirl: "It's okay, little buddy. Mommy cries when her bottle is empty, too."

@thatcarlygirl: New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I've lost 17,000 pounds.

@thatcarlygirl: Me: When I have a rough day, you're there. When I need to cry, you're there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:

@thatcarlygirl: Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.