My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
Me: Netflix and chill?
Her: sure
Me: bring a pizza and an internet connection and a Netflix password
Her:
Me: and don’t forget the condoms!
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.