The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
DATE: I’m just looking for someone who goes with the flow, you know? Someone chill.
ME: [has a small panic attack whenever a shop assistant asks if I’m looking for anything in particular] *nods*
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
[on the couch having tea]
Me: this is nice.
Anxiety: SUSPICIOUSLY NICE.
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth