*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’