[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals