[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
I wish I had the exciting social life my mom must have envisioned when she used to stitch my name into my underwear.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals