*offers chair for $25 at garage sale; no takers*
*glues old gears and cogs to chair*
*sells “steampunk sitting contraption” on eBay for $800*
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mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
We’re all McNuggets in search of the right dipping sauce.
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
I like my men how I like my cheesecake, rich and straight to my behind.
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
“I wouldn’t.”
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
The way my 12 year old is using commas makes it sound like Christopher Walken wrote her essay.
People who put a strip of bacon on a donut, where does it end? You wanna put a braised lambshank on my cupcake? Why don’t I open up my chocolate croissant and you can shove a live trout in it
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241