A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
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Me: Please wait to eat your Craisins until we’re in the car
*5 secs later
Me: What’re you eating?
5yo: *Mouthful of Craisins* ……Nothing
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
If your last name is Brown, naming your kid Encyclopedia, is a pretty boss move.
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
I think we should hear other voices.
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
It’s saturday night you know what *that* means? right, cleaning toilets
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday