Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
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Covid has the side effect of making us long for a time we didn’t even like.
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
Me: How are you?
Neighbor: Can’t complain.
You?Me: I can and do.
Wife: can u pick the kids up from school?
Me blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug: which school do they go to?
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo