Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
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It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
[During sex]
Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*
Him: Ok… Wanna role play?
Me: Sure, you’re a musician
Him: Oooh! Which one?!
Me: Bono
Him: Why Bono?
Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms
What personal space?
My dog
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer