Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
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Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
Me: 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Friend: Cry
Me: *crying* 🎶 Don’t change for me ARGENTINAAAAA…”🎶
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
23. the denim jacket
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
*watches a house fall on you*
*steals your shoes*
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up