@theDanLawler

A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.

@theDanLawler

No thanks, newborn babies of literally any species on planet Earth.

Come back when you’re less pink & rubbery & can loan me thirty dollars.

@theDanLawler

New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.

I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much

@theDanLawler

I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.

@theDanLawler

Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.

@theDanLawler

Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.