When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
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My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
Him: You’re sexy as hell.
Her: I’m an atheist.
Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.
Her: Awwwww, thank you.
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
Why do I have to answer security questions to pay my bills?
Ohmygod please tell me there are hackers out there trying to pay my bills….
Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
Cop: You’re wanted for murder
Me: Ok. Who do you want me to kill?
Cop: What?
Me: Huh?
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all