I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
