Girls don’t want boys. Girls want the 12-foot skeleton from Home Depot.
I’m summoning a demon to do my bidding
– shady
– overused
– raises questionsI’m utilizing my delegating skills by reassigning my tasks to otherworldly beings
– sensible
– professional
– demonstrates great time management
When your boss says it’s not a two person job.
Seaweed is great for when you want to eat pure salt but wish it had the texture of slime.
Me: In the grand scheme of things nothing really matters. We are dust in the wind. An ethereal speck in the wonder of time.
Boss: I’m still going to need you to come to work on time.
Started answering all spam texts/calls of “is this so and so?” with “no, this is Patrick.”
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.