daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter
daniel radcliffe: hello
agent: would you like to be in a movie
daniel radcliffe: is it very strange
agent: yes
daniel radcliffe: then yes
agent: when can you get here
daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak
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Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
The woman next to me smells SO good, is it weird if I’m like “What perfume is that, I will literally stop robbing this bank if you tell me”?
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
Friend: Sorry I’ve been so busy! I got my master’s in genetic engineering, singlehandedly solved a murder, invented time travel, discovered a new Pi number, climbed Mt. Everest and taught myself to read Sumerian. What have you been up to???
Me: I’ve been super into cereal lately
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
Muscle memory, but it’s the Amazon driver pulling up to my house on the odd day he doesn’t have a package for us.
grotesque if literal: baby food
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
If it weren’t for the gutter my mind would be homeless.
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy