[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
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I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
When I die, I’d like a closed casket funeral, but I’d like my body to be painted on the top of the casket, only with a lot more muscles added.
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
*bolts upright in bed, instantly wide awake in the middle of the night*
“FIRE TRUCKS SHOULD BE CALLED WATER TRUCKS”
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
I hope google does well on my son’s test
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.