(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
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*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
Son: What’s for dinner
Me: Tater tots
Son: What else?
Me: Since your mom put an open bag in the freezer backwards so I couldn’t tell it was open and you didn’t sweep the floor like you were told. I’d say dog fur
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
Bike is short for Bichael.
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
I’m not saying I’ve gained weight, I’m just saying I don’t think my belt buckle should be facing the ground…
Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.