me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
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Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
Guy who likes music
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
I try to often think “human meat is gristly” in case hungry aliens are reading my thoughts
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
Sing it!
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
*watches the world burn*
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.