Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
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My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
I’d rather fork than spoon.
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.