I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
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As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
Went out of town, came back and the roomba changed all the locks
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
Ate too much salad today so I’m going on an Oreos cleanse tomorrow.
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
She like, literally died.
~White girls’ headstones
Raisins are grape jerky.
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
S/o to @funTweeters .
Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
E. Coli and the dysenteries is a great name for a band
Goats that intimidate others are bully goats
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
i imagine the people who slaved for years perfecting the google search algorithm would be so mad knowing i mainly use it now for spellcheck