Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
Is the expression “One man’s trash is another man’s treasure?” I want this best man’s speech to be perfect.