*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
*Neil Armstrong sets foot on moon:
“NO… BIG… QUOTE… PLANNED… AND… NOTHING… SPRINGS… TO… MIND”Houston: Did you say “That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”?
…
…
Neil Armstrong: uuuh, yes, yes I did
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room