An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf