People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
*a horse walks into a china shop
“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“
[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]
*filled stadium
Singer: ARE YOU READY TO ROCK?!
Crowd:
S:
C:
S: I SAID: ARE YOU READY T–
C: WE’RE THINKING
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.