*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
*eats only grass-fed donuts
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport