*doesn’t know what to do for Earth Day
*buys Earth a $10 Amazon gift card
Anyone can be a hero:
Make a child smile
Rescue a kitten from a tree
Reverse Earth’s rotation to prevent an earthquake from killing your girlfriend
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
A cheese so sharp you have to hand it to people backwards.
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
Parent Fact: Sugar makes kids crazy.
Grandparent Fact: Vengeance is mine.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos