“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.