Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
I put hydrogen peroxide on a cut to show 7 it doesn’t MOTHER OF GOD WHAT IS THIS STUFF MADE FROM THE BLOOD OF PIRANHAS?! IT BURNS, IT BURNS!
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.