*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
