When you’ve simply given up.
“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
I’m going to need a moment here.
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
Boss: My door is always open
Me: I know and it makes it really hard for me to leave work early