“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
Lead me not into temptation. I already know the quickest routes.
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
Zombie: Braaaains
Me: What’s the magic word?
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie:
Me:
Zombie (embarrassed): ᴾˡᵉᵉᵉᵉᵃˢˢˢᵉ
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
Spider-cat: No One Home
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.