If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.