We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
*planning the destruction of the human race
Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices
Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters
Toasters: You guys are amateurs…
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
I don’t mind saying: this last year has been tough on me and the other cult members. Doing goat sacrifices on zoom just wasn’t the same.
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
Sales of wood-chippers have gone way up as the quarantine has continued. That makes sense on farms, but most buyers are apartment dwellers.
When this is over, I’m just going to start hugging nurses and doctors until they get a restraining order.