[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
[Reporting live on scene]
Weatherman: how much rain are you seeing?
Me: Christ Gary, all of it.
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
[1st date]
*recalls buddy said women like a manly man*
*but also, be sensitive*
I like to work with my hands,
But splinters make me cry.
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.