Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
Rapunzel is my favorite story about a girl who would do anything to have her hair pulled.
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?