Kinda sucks that I actually own a skeleton but don’t get to show anyone until I die.
date: I’m a really big people person
frankenstein: omg, same
me: in the song WE call “The Monster Mash” it references a party where The Monster Mash was played. Which means the REAL Monster Mash had to have existed before the song we’re hearing, but we have no idea what it is.
host of the halloween party: how did you set up a powerpoint?
Library of Alexandria discourse is starting up again and I can’t believe how many people are misinformed on this. So, once again:
Libraries have no natural predators. Burning them down is literally the only way to keep the population under control.
Just found out we’re not supposed to root for the chest burster in Alien??
He is literally A BABY!
I’m sorry I’d rather support an innocent child than a mining conglomerate.
[day after the beast’s household got turned back into people]
beauty:beast:
beauty:
beast:
beauty: …so we just don’t have cups now?
Heard there was a new crazy RFK Jr story and then looked it up and was like, “Oh. He just had an affair.”
That’s normal terrible rich guy shit. I thought I was gonna find out he tried to put a gorilla in a Han Solo carbonite machine or something.
Having a fiancée is the closest feeling to finding a cool rock as a kid.
Like I just found her out in the wild, but she’s in my house now and even though I didn’t do anything I’m oddly proud.
Like, “Look! Look how pretty she is! No don’t pick her up only I’m allowed to do that.”
[after eating a weird candy on the willy wonka tour]
me: ok…I think I’m ok. none of my body parts seem to be effected, and they’d be singing if—oompa loompa: 🎶oompa loompa doompety deenis🎶
me: aaaah… darn. darn it.
Introduced a friend to Parks and Rec but told them Rec stands for “Reconnaissance” because spies are trying to infiltrate the parks dept.
They keep saying they can’t tell who the spies are and I just keep going, “I know, right?? They’re really good!”
gandalf:
jesus:
gandalf:
jesus: lol, I just realized after I died and came back people started saying I was white too
gandalf: we don—we don’t have to bond over stuff
starting a new competition called Bad Olympics where you’re not allowed to compete if you have any sort of natural advantage that makes you good at a sport
a lot of my Olympics excitement is knowing I can’t do that.
the internet’s always like, “just start carving $100,000 marble! can’t be a sculptor if you don’t try!”
It’s nice watching some kid swim faster than a submarine while I snack, knowing I don’t have to compete with that
ruining the Olympics for my fiancée by, every time they mention Paris, saying, “that’s where ratatouille lived”
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy