GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”